Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

🧠

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?