Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”