Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.