“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.