[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”