Name this drama.
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My sex drive has a dui
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Covid like
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler