Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
finally found a reasonable question
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
blocked.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.