Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.