Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Pikachu found the lost joint
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.