Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.