named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x