named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
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I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Talk about a bad egg
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”