named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
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When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.