Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.