Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Banking tips

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.