Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

what do you want!!!!!!!!

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Sticker placement is key.

Phonetics

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him