Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

Ugh but profoundly

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Okay, I’m still confused…

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.