*names my little horse OneTrick*
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Managing expectations
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”