Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.