*names my little horse OneTrick*
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
aura
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost