*names my little horse OneTrick*
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Always leave them wanting their money back.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Easy enough.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Chemical wingman
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.