*names my little horse OneTrick*
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
why am I working on Labor Day
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”