Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
certified hallow’s eve classic
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks