Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Hey I worked for it too!

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.