Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
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Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube