Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.