Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.