Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.