Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is