Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
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my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.