Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying