Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

When you’re Kinky but poor

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.