Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to