Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

I’m having an out of money experience.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves