Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

inventing words: clothing

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

How do I get a job writing these texts

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.