Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Received some very disappointing news today

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy