Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

About to throw up