Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty