Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.