Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

me and the Superbowl rn

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.