Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

haha same

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

How wrong was this guy?

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.