Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
A leaf blower, but for people.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”