Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️