Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
True freaking story!
