Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

I have a type: disappointing

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?