Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.