Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
![]()
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
![]()
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?