Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

buys donuts instead

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Try and stop me.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.