Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.