Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace