Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
groan^2
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
