Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m calling the cops.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry