Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.