Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
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[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
The future is now.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.