Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
You Might Also Like
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
