Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people