Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

I have a new favorite meme page

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em