Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
You Might Also Like
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon