Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
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“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.