Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Seems a bit forward

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.