Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
how to have fun when you’re poor
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?