Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop