Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst