Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
This story is comedy gold 😂
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in