@SnarkyMommy78

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

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@mountainlex

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

@HenpeckedHal

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

@BuckyIsotope

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

@CarouselMouse

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

@Marlebean

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”