Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
You can’t outrun your problems…
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Waiting for the Charmin