Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.