Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Never let them know your next move 😂
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*