Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.