Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.