Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO