I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?
Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!