@DanielAda1960

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

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@TheBoydP

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

@Thedudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

@ReelQuinn

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

@stephenjmolloy

Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.

@KentWGraham

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

@thepunningman

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

@rajandelman

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

@MarfSalvador

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!