Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.