Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe