Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

i hope my email finds you on fire

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person