Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
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This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
sir, my pâté if you please
I’ve been learning to cook.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk