Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
From Facebook just now…
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh