Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.